“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”
I was very lucky growing up, I had a beach house in Anna Maria and I spent my weekends there as a child. My dad was a doctor so he was always busy during the weekdays at work, anytime we got to get away to the beach house it was amazing because that was when I got to spend time with him. I have been going out to this island since I was a newborn, and I spent my first 13 years go back and forth from there to Tampa. I couldn’t picture spending my childhood in any other place. I didn’t ever get to see my friends on the weekends because we were always at the beach house, but in the end I am so grateful for all those weekends, because when I was 13 my dad passed away, at that house on the island. My view of the island changed after that.
Yesterday, I took a day trip out to Anna Maria with one of my friends. I haven’t been out there in a few years, so I did not know what to expect while I was there. Once we got on the island and drove past the Publix we used to shop at, memories started flooding in, and I knew it was going to hurt. I could feel inside my chest everything that was coming back. It was like 13 years of memories just flooding my mind.I pushed it away, and laidon the beach with my friend for a few hours, before we went to lunch. We went to lunch at one of my favorite sandwich places, and on our way to lunch we passed by my old neighborhood. I was so tempted to drive down it and go to the house, but I had to keep reminding myself that we don’t live there anymore. I started feeling pretty numb, and for the rest of our time there I just didn’t think about anything much. We hung out at the pier and walked around some shops that I used to go to often. I pushed everything away, but I am good at ignoring the stuff that makes me feel upset.
It is so weird how different it feels to be down there now that my dad is no longer here. It has been close to six years, and I am convinced that this stuff won’t really get much easier. I know I have healed a lot since his passing, but going back to the place where I spent so much time as a child will never be easy. I continue to pray that one day, I will be able to go back and just feel complete happiness. Yesterday, I can say I was happy, I was smiling and laughing, but it was somewhat forced. I laughed to keep back the tears that I knew were bound to come. Sure enough when I got home, I laid in bed for a few hours, and just let everything come out, I had to face my feelings no matter how much it hurt.
“Even if you go for it, and it doesn’t work out, you still win. You still had the guts enough to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will take you places”
Have a great weekend everyone, and appreciate the people you have in your life! ♥