” We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in” -Ernest Hemingway
This past week and a half has been one of the craziest of my entire life. Finding out that Irma was headed towards Florida was really stressful for me, and a lot of other people who I know. My university was shut down, and I came home to Tampa to bear the storm with my family. We stayed safe at my mom’s work, and came home the next day to no damage at our house. FGCU is still closed until further notice due to damages and what not. That part was all a relief. But it is what happened in between and after the hurricane that is weighing me down.
Every since I lost my dad in 8th grade, I have been dealing with a great extent of anxiety that sometimes turns into bits of depression. All throughout high school, I was super anxious and worried about everything and anything. It is something that people tell me to just get over and stop. But I have learned that it isn’t that easy, and it is something that I just have to learn to live with. I get anxious about the smallest things like, why isn’t my mom answering the phone, or oh my gosh I don’t have enough money for this or that (when in reality I do, I am just afraid to spend it and run out). This crap has really hit me hard this week. I was anxious about how my stuff is holding up at school, or if my house is going to make it through the hurricane. It was all okay, but I worried about it all. A few nights ago I got into a heated argument with somebody and after she told me everything she did, it made me step back and think about what I might be going through again. After she asked me the question “What the heck is wrong with you” I knew instantly what is was. I just did not want to admit it, so I just said I don’t know, and moved on.
“God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devestation to your life” -Romans 8:28
It has been about a year and a half since I have felt depressed. But it is a feeling that I know well and can’t ignore. It does not matter what I am doing or who I am with. If I am depressed I know it. It puts a damper on everything I do. I hung out with one of my best friends yesterday, and had a great time, but I just felt different. I knew it was the depression pulling me away from completely enjoying what I was doing. I kept it hidden pretty well from my friend that I was feeling weird, but I wish it was something that I did not have to go through.
I always ask God why He lets me go through such feelings but as Christians we are not promised a pain-free life. But we can find a certain sense of hope when opening up the bible. One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
This bible verse reminds me that no matter what I am going through, I am not alone. I may feel sometimes like I don’t have anyone around here to help me, but I am not blind to the fact that I have God by my side no matter what. I have spent so much time listening to my favorite worship music, and reading my bible to try to get me out of the funk that I am in. I am thankful to have the friends I have to be by my side and I know that I will be relieved when I get through this little period in my life.
This is not something that I want to live with, but it is something I have learned to live with
“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something beautiful” -Unknown