If you read my last blog post, you know that I am walking through a season of discouragement right now. I wouldn’t say that it has gotten worse in the past two or so weeks, but I have definitely noticed it taking a toll on me. I have been allowing anxiety to consume my life, and by doing that I haven’t allowed God into my life. Anxiety is something that I wish I didn’t have to deal with. It sucks not being able to catch my breath at times, waking up in the middle of the night in a panic for no reason, and over thinking everything. I wish God would take that away from me, but sadly, I am stuck with it right now. Honestly, I would probably have a little less anxiety if I did just put my trust in God, but stuff like that isn’t easy for me. Trust is something I have an issue with. Friends have betrayed me in the past, and for some reason I have a hard time trusting God ever since He took my dad from me. I go through good seasons and bad seasons with trusting God. Right now, I am trying really hard to place my trust back in Him in the midst of struggling with school and the upcoming holidays.
Today I went to Starbucks to get some help with my stats study guide from my friend Hannah. She was trying to help me understand stats and help me calm down about this stupid exam that I have to take tomorrow. Once I finally sort of understood what I was doing, I put my stats stuff away and we just started to talk. Hannah is someone who I love talking to, she is so encouraging and always knows how to make me feel better. Tonight I was just telling her a little about what I had been walking through lately, and how I did not want to fail stats because I don’t want to disappoint my parents, especially my dad who isn’t here anymore. She started to tell me that even though she didn’t ever know my dad that he would be proud of me for trying my best, and proud of how much I have grown in the past year or so. Hearing Hannah say that brought tears to my eyes. I lived with Hannah last year and see saw me go through a lot, and to hear her say that just made me smile & cry all at the same time. I told her that I have pretty much completely fallen out of contact with God right now, she started off by pulling inspiration from finding Nemo (because she’s obsessed) but after she pulled out her phone and pulled up a bible verse for me to read, the first one she pulled up was Haggai 2:9 which says “The final glory of this house will be greater than the first, says the Lord of Armies. I will provide peace in this place this is the declaration of the Lord of Armies.” I read this verse and realized that the one thing I am lacking right now is peace. There is no peace in my life right now because I have been focusing too much on my worries for there to be any room for peace. The second verse she showed me was Zechariah 2:5 “And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the LORD, and I will be the glory in her midst.” This verse really stirred my heart because when I first read this verse I thought of God being my ultimate protection, and how I should not push Him away in these times that I need Him the most. She continued to encourage me to pull out my bible and just spend time with God. By being in this time of darkness, God is showing me that I can’t do this alone without Him, or my encouraging friends.
“God’s calling you to Him, He’s just waiting for you to pick up the phone” -Hannah Morris
Although I have been struggling a lot this semester, there are a lot of people I am thankful for as this year comes to a close, without them I would not know what to do:
My small group leader, Ruthie, has such a blessing to my life since I met her. I instantly knew upon meeting her that she would be someone I could lean on and rely on. She has such a caring heart, and her love for God is so noticeable in the ways that I see her interact with people. I thank God for placing her in my life because she is such a light to me. Whenever I am stuck, I know that I am able to reach out to her, and she will be there. She always makes me feel loved and cared about, and always points me back in the direction of God when I am lost. A few days ago, I met up with her because I was really close to hitting rock bottom. Our conversation was not very long, but it was exactly what I needed. She encouraged me in so many ways. She has been the one person all semester telling me that if I don’t pass stats it’s not the end of the world. Well I have been trying to listen to that little nugget of information, but even though it’s okay to fail a class, I still don’t want to. She also reminded me that I am not alone. I am really bad at asking for help sometimes because I don’t want to burden other people. She reminded me that she loved me and that I was not a burden to her, or my other friends. Naturally, I started crying because having that reassurance meant a lot to me. I never really had a lot of true, godly friends until I moved to college. Having the support of this handful of people means everything to me.
My roommate, Olivia, is a rock in my life. It doesn’t matter what I am facing, good, bad, or anything in between. She is always there to laugh with me when we are being goofy, and to cry with me when things aren’t going right. I love living with someone who is so supportive. Olivia was one of the first people I met in college, and I know that God placed her in my life for a reason. We have so many conversations about our faith, and they help me grow so much. Being able to talk and be honest about where I am in my walk with God helps me to see where I might need to change things in my life, and she is always there to tell me when I am sinking a little to open up my bible and pray. Whenever I am struggling with anything the first thing Olivia says is “well…when is the last time you opened up your bible” and my answer is usually along the lines of “well…. I don’t know maybe last week or something”. I will be the first to admit that I am bad at turning to my bible when I am going through something hard and that is something I am working on changing. I am glad that we have each other, and I don’t know what I am going to do when she graduates in the spring.
My friend, Kaitlin, who I just met a few weeks ago. I know that I wrote on the Odyssey about Delight, but I haven’t said anything about it on my blog yet, so in a nutshell, Delight is a Woman’s Ministry that is worldwide, and it is one of the greatest things that I have been able to be a part of. My friend Taylor invited Olivia and I one night to come to Delight, so after our run that Wednesday evening we decided to try it out. All I can say is that I am so glad God placed me there that night. The night that we went, Kaitlin was sharing her story. I never really knew much about her expect for that she is a worship leader at ignite and is really good at singing. I am not going to go into a lot of detail about her story, but she lost her dad a few years ago. I instantly started crying, because my heart broke a little, and I just started thinking back to 6 years ago when I was going through all of that. Her story really inspired me a lot, so that evening I texted her when I got home and asked if we could meet up for coffee one day. A few days later we met at Starbucks and started talking. I shared a little bit of my story with her, and it felt so nice to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. She is such a sweet, and uplifting person, and I am so glad God placed her in my life. I went home that day and thanked God for giving me another wonderful friend. God’s timing with this stuff is always perfect. This weekend we were able to spend some time together, and it was amazing. Being able to just talk, and hangout was relaxing and exactly what I needed this weekend. I am thankful for Delight, and the opportunity it gave me to become friends with Kaitlin. I can’t wait to keep going next semester!
I could go on but I would be writing all night. Take time to thank the people in your life, friends are so important. I hope that everyone has a great week!