It has been one heck of a week for me. School is keeping me busy, and life is keeping me on my toes. Last week I noticed my attitude was changing a little bit, and I was started to feel and act differently than I usually do. It was a feeling that I have had before, and I knew exactly what was happening. My anxiety was coming back. I would wake up and completely struggle to want to get out of bed and go to class. I’m definitely not in love with getting up for my 8 am, but the only reason that I did not want to get up was because I was anxious and unmotivated. Usually once I am awake, I am ready to hop out of bed, and get ready for the day. But this has not been the case lately. I have been dragging my feet to want to do anything. On Monday life really hit me hard. I was on the way to Community group with my roommate and I had called my mom on the way there because I knew that my anxiety was something I needed to bring to her attention. As soon as she answered the phone and I started talking about what I was going through I instantly started crying. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to find the words to tell my mom that my anxiety was taking over my life. I cried for at least 20 minutes in the car before I could even pull myself to get out and be seen by 20 girls. As I was sitting in the car on the phone, I just couldn’t help but realize how much not having my dad here has affected my everyday life. There isn’t a day where I don’t notice his absence, but it doesn’t hit me hard that often anymore. Random days I will wake up the absence of him much more. It kinda sucks, a lot.
After I finally somewhat got myself together my roommate and I went into our community group. I was uncomfortable because I was aware that my eyes were so puffy and red from crying. It wasn’t until I got into my small group, that I explained what was going on. I opened up to them and started talking about just how much my anxiety was weighing on me. One of the girls in my small group offered to say a quick prayer for me right there. I closed my eyes as she was praying, and a few second later felt someone hugging me. My friend Hannah had scooted over to put her arms around me. I started to cry even more because in that moment I realized that I did not need to be ashamed to ask for help. We continued with small group, and the passage we were reading was out of Matthew 6 and it was all about not being anxious. There couldn’t have been a better time for us to go through this passage. I sat there quietly and just listened as the girls talked. I wanted to interject and speak but I just had too much on my mind to formulate something that would make sense to anyone. Once we broke from small group and the other girls went home, I was able to talk to my small group leader, and go more in-depth with what I was dealing with. She told me about a program our church has called Recovery. Recovery is basically a place people can go when they are struggling with something. I tried going last year and after one time never went back, because I was too shy and scared to open up to these strangers.
Ruthie had told me that she would be willing to go with me, if it was something I wanted to try, and honestly I did not want to go but deep down I knew that I needed to. Thursday rolled around and it was 6:45 when Ruthie texted me that she was at the church. I was still laying on my couch, filled with anxiety because I had no idea what I was about to get myself into. I pulled into the church a few more later, and turned off my car and sent up a prayer to God before I got out. I asked Him to just take away the fear and the worry that I had about going into this. After the short worship, and lesson, we went to a smaller group for the new people. They explained what would happen each week, and they had us share what we were expecting to get out of participating in Recovery. When it got to my turn to speak I was so nervous, and stuttered as I tried to spit out that I was dealing with a lot of anxiety that was all caused by the trauma that came with losing my dad.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I live in constant fear of losing someone. I have lost so many people suddenly in the past 7 years, that I am just scared now. It is something I battle with, and always try to get better at. I don’t like living in fear, and getting scared when I don’t hear back from people like my mom or other friends or family. I have prayed and prayed for God to help comfort and take this fear away from me.
In this past week, I have been able to lean so much on my small group leader, roommate, and other friends. I have learned during this time of struggle that asking for help is not a bad thing, and it does not make me a weak person. We are not meant to carry our burdens by ourselves, and I am so blessed to have amazing friends, and a loving God to help me get through all of my anxiety.
“But God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self control” 2 Timothy 1:7
Have a great weekend, everyone!